Reason coming back here - Movement Control Order due to Covid-19.
It's been seven years since the last post. I can't even remember why I stopped.
Changed jobs, left jobs...Got married, no kids...Friends left, friends returned.
Read many of my old posts, and never thought I could write some of it...
Don't remember I wrote them either.
At this moment, a lot of thoughts are running through my mind.
Yet I can't seem to sort it all out in words.
Where should I start?
In Life, I am still lost.
After 30 years of living, I can say I am more lost than ever.
I can't seem to focus on anything, and it's not that I don't want to...
I just can't find the purpose of life.
I envy the people who are clear of their path, whether is for wealth, health, passion or fame.
I envy the people who are happy at where they are, whether they have those things or not.
I envy the people who has dreams, and even more to the people who dares to chase their dreams.
Me? I feel like I'm still where I am, yet I also feel like I've come a long way.
In Relationship, I am cold as ice.
All the magnificent feelings are somehow not there anymore.
All that's left is somewhat keeping company for each other.
No more skipping heartbeats, no more wild choices...
No more saying I miss you everyday, no more saying I love you every night.
Empty on the inside, and cold as winter in January on the outside.
Though the spark is not all gone, I'm still waiting for him to light it up again.
However, I'm afraid someone else might accidentally light it up and still leave without reason.
In Friendship, I've learned to let go...Learning, to let go.
A 26 years friendship, left without a proper discussion.
Yet during this MCO, we finally confronted each other.
Although it might not be the same as before, but it felt like a heavy rock has thrown out from the heart.
I feel glad that it's not all gone to waste, I feel glad that we can talk to each other about many things again, I feel glad there's somebody to talk to when no one else is there to listen.
An 11 years friendship, suddenly took a turn to somewhere beyond my imagination.
All the things that happened between us, I've dealt with it as a good friend.
All the moments where my mind went astray, I kept it to myself just so it wouldn't contaminate our friendship.
But time is a funny thing. Faith is always being tested.
All sorts of questions surfaced, all sorts of curiosity risen, all sorts of feelings flowing in.
Then suddenly, as if a strong wind came and blew all the clouds away...
No words, no explanation...nothing.
And then I realised, the MCO shouldn't only control our whereabouts, it should also control our words, our actions, and our feelings.
Though the friendship still stays in my heart, people come and go.
The ones I thought I had close bonds with doesn't seem to be there anymore.
The ones I thought it would disappear someday, texted me and told me they miss me instead.
I've been told to let it be, let it go. I told them it's easier said than done.
But no matter what lies ahead, we all still move on with our lives, alone.
Nobody can help us if we don't want to be helped.
Nobody can stop us if we decide to go for it.
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There's still a lot on my mind, but damn it feels good to type again.
